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That's enough, kidsIt was a lovely day at the park and Stella Bianchi was enjoying the sunshine with her two children when a young boy, aged about four, approached her two-year-old son and pushed him to the ground.
“I'd watched him for a little while and my son was the fourth or fifth child he'd shoved,” she says.” I went over to them, picked up my son, turned to the boy and said, firmly, 'No, we don't push,” What happened next was unexpected.
“The boy's mother ran toward me from across the park,” Stella says,” I thought she was coming over to apologize, but instead she started shouting at me for disciplining her child, All I did was let him know his behavior was unacceptable. Was I supposed to sit back while her kid did whatever he wanted, hurting other children in the process?”
Getting your own children to play nice is difficult enough. Dealing with other people's children has become a minefield.
In my house, jumping on the sofa is not allowed. In my sister's house it's encouraged. For her, it's about kids being kids:”If you can't do it at three, when can you do it?”
Each of these philosophies is valid and, it has to be said, my son loves visiting his aunt's house. But I find myself saying “no” a lot when her kids are over at mine. That's OK between sisters but becomes dangerous territory when you're talking to the children of friends or acquaintances.
“Kids aren't all raised the same,” agrees Professor Naomi White of Monash University.” But there is still an idea that they're the property of the parent. We see our children as an extension of ourselves, so if you're saying that my child is behaving inappropriately, then that's somehow a criticism of me.”
In those circumstances, it's difficult to know whether to approach the child directly or the parent first. There are two schools of thought.
“I'd go to the child first,” says Andrew Fuller, author of Tricky Kids. Usually a quiet reminder that 'we don't do that here' is enough. Kids nave finely tuned antennae (直觉) for how to behave in different settings.”
He points out bringing it up with the parent first may make them feel neglectful, which could cause problems. Of course, approaching the child first can bring its own headaches, too.
This is why White recommends that you approach the parents first. Raise your concerns with the parents if they're there and ask them to deal with it,” she says.
Asked how to approach a parent in this situation, psychologist Meredith Fuller answers:”Explain your needs as well as stressing the importance of the friendship. Preface your remarks with something like: 'I know you'll think I'm silly but in my house I don't want…'”
When it comes to situations where you're caring for another child, white is straightforward: “common sense must prevail. If things don't go well, then have a chat.”
There're a couple of new grey areas. Physical punishment, once accepted from any adult, is no longer appropriate. “A new set of considerati
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